Monday, March 30, 2009

I Don't Know.....

If you have been following me on any one of my various outlets, you will know that I have been dealing with a bum tooth for the past week. After dentists, endodondists, physicians and now periodontists it turns out I have a terrible infection that has inhabited my head for a number of years. Sort of funny... and not. The periodontist took a look under the hood today and discovered the infection.

"Has your eye been hurting?"

"Umm.... yeah."

After a little minor surgery and scraping around he definitively said the tooth was a goner and needed to be pulled. He was stymied by the extent of the infection. It was probably the result of a fracture about 27 years ago and would explain my long history of unexplained sinus infections.

As he was working on my tooth he kept up a patter that I knew was meant to distract me, but he said the big bad words: "I don't know why this happened." Now I can tell you I started crying in his chair, but I pretty much cry at anything. Some friends would describe me as big, bad Sarah but the truth is that emotions overwhelm me on occasion and the tears just leak out of my eyes. Just another reason, in a long list, not to wear eye makeup.

The words "I don't know" are scary to me because they are fraught with uncertainty. They mean anything could happen. My rampantly fertile mind had already spent the weekend imagining that I had a brain tumor. As I reclined in the doctor's chair I thought of my two little sisters who are dealing with all the "I don't knows" of cancer. I thought of my husband's death and the months of "will I make it?- I don't know" limbo that I lived in. My boyfriend's constant reminder that he has outlived many of the men men in his lineage by a decade is a huge "I don't know" for me.

In the big scheme of things the loss of some bone in my jaw and a tooth is hardly a body part to weep over. Perhaps it is just indicative of the inevitable slide towards decay & death. Perhaps it is a reminder that I don't have forever to leisurely accomplish what I want to in my life.

So, what do I want to accomplish? I don't know.


Michelle said...

first of all, not Big Bad Sarah, but Smart, Strong Sarah. Secondly, yes, life is too short to NOT live in joy. And Thirdly, we hear the 'i don't know why' about Alex's jaw every year, and this will go on , maybe for life for him.
Live in joy.

LYC said...

It seems lately that when it comes right down to it, we don't know much about anything....but why is it still a shock to learn about yet another thing we don't know about?