Okay, Enough About You....

I had lunch with my good friend Michelle yesterday. She is certainly someone I would call a fellow traveler. We both are struggling along to become the best people we know how to be. Which, in my case anyways, is quite a bit less than perfect.

Over a cup of tea and garlic/chicken nachos (disgusting-eh?) she said she had to say something to me, get it off her chest, clear the air. She was slightly misty eyed so I prepared to hear another of my occasional transgressions... which it was. I had hurt her with what I thought was an unimportant comment. But it didn't matter what I felt about the comment- it had hurt her to the quick. She felt judged.

What to do? #1- Apologize. #2- Explain.

But the explanation didn't involve any minimizing of the intent of the comment. I took full ownership of it, but tried to explain the state I was in at the time. I was in a bad place. My comment reflected what I would have so harshly said to myself in similar (but not quite) circumstances.

And I am also relearning that each person's experience is unique and trying to extrapolate from my own experience and apply to an other's just plain, old doesn't work. Along with the lesson that words can be very, very powerful.

And then Michelle tried to explain away her tears. "You think too much, I feel too much." She is right- again.

Henry & Charlie making nice.

Feeling A Bit Peckish

I feel like this a lot. When I am with someone I want to touch their face and be nose to nose. I like physical connection when layered on top of like.

Especially that third photo down... pushing into some one's personal space as if to say "Hello! I 'm still here. Pay attention!"

I use to drive my husband crazy... I was the driver in the family and we would take a lot of pleasure cruises up the coast of Maine or to Northern NH looking for antique stores we hadn't yet discovered. We would also talk a lot. I can't remember about what. But I would lean over into his space frequently, proffering the top of my head and demand that he kiss it. He would eventually grow weary of this task and just start to peck the top of my head with his fingers while making a kissing noise. I knew that he was cheating, but it was still satisfying for me. At least he never, ever said "no" completely. And his exasperation with my demand was a little bit cute.

I am guessing this makes me a little bit needy.......

Truth Is In the Telling, Not Just the Knowing

Today is my 49th birthday. My big birthday gift is that I was granted a reprieve two days ago in the form of two negative breast biopsies. I had entered the high risk pool because one of my younger sisters had breast cancer and I have very dense breasts. While I still need to go for an MRI to make double, extra sure that there is nothing lurking in the shadows it is sweet relief to have received this current diagnosis.

This medical rite of passage is yet another wake up call that I don't have forever to get this life right. I had recently begun the process of reflecting on how I have spent the last decade of my life. This event has pushed me right over the edge. My self assessment led me to admit that I am not happy in my life, which is a pretty horrible realization.

I could point to specifics but the basic truth is that I am afraid to ask for the things I want- to voice my desires, wants and needs. And that is wrapped up in the other truth- that I feel I am undeserving of the things I want. It keeps me from asking. And it comes from a shamed core in me. Damned esteem issues!

And the other mitigating issue is that I anticipate people's response to my requests which keeps me from ever trying to ask for what I want in the first place. My mind has become both a refuge and a jail for my feelings. Double-Damn!

So I have given myself one year- till I am 50- to get my shit together. It means paying attention to what I really want and asking for it. It means not worrying about someone else's wants- unless I get pleasure by meeting their wants. It means being brave enough to put my wants out there regardless of the response I expect. It means I will need to say these things out loud and not just think them. And maybe, just maybe I will be surprised and gratified by the acknowledgment and love I will feel in return.

Ready, set, go.

More Water Over the Dam

Another new year has arrived and a lot of water has gone over the dam this past year. I suspect a bucket or two to go over in my future. Time never seems to stop.

My resolution this year? I am going to be truly selfish. Not just my usual day to day, garden variety sort of selfishness. I am going to be over the top selfish. Me, me, me.

There are some out there who may be saying "So what is different? You have always been selfish"

Admittedly so. But I think by being half-hearted in my selfishness I am serving no one's best interest. I sort of ask for what I want. I sort of demand things. I sort of take time from people.

By being over the top in my selfishness I will be completely true to my desires. By being completely true I will not only be completely honest, but I will be making myself happiest, which is good for everyone.

I have been working up to this. I have practiced on a few people. It takes focus and thoughtfulness. I am surprised at the results. And gratified.

Web of Women

Someone commented on the web of women in my life. I thought that was such a great phrase and I thought I would use this space to count my blessings:

Mum- my mother is my my biggest fan and supporter. I love her so much it hurts. I still run to her when I have a problem or need help. I have yet to reach the bottom of her well of knowledge and compassion.

Polly- Other Mother, my mother's best friend. I can't remember when Polly wasn't in my mother's, and our, lives. I love when she calls me "honey" and how she steps right into the role of mother at the drop of a hat. She loves me and I love her right back.

Louise- my best friend since I was a sophomore in high school. We have traveled a lot of ground together. She is clear eyed and unafraid to let me know when I have faulty thinking. She is also the friend that I can call anytime of the night and say "I need you now." And I do it for her too. She also tickles my funny bone to its very core.

Reta- my younger sister, who is so smart. When I need a reality check on people relations, business or larger philosophy Reta is the one I turn to. She is clear headed, non-judgemental and even tempered. She gives the best advice. If she says so, it must be right. Surprisingly she likes to giggle and be silly. I appreciate that aspect of her too.

Abby- my youngest sister. Abby is fiery and loud mouthed and very in touch with how she feels. When I need fashion tips or to blow my stack she is the one I go to. She knows that feelings need to be expressed to be understood. She allows me to be angry, upset, distraught and get to the other side exhausted, crying, sated and ready to figure it out. I indulge my potty mouth with her.

Michelle- started as a dog walking buddy and is now just a plain old friend. Michelle is my feminine friend. We enjoy doing girly stuff- shopping, antiquing, shoes, watching romantic movies that make us cry. She is totally right brained and intuitive- the complete opposite of me. She has a magical way of correcting me when I get overbearing or controlling. And she gets me to laugh at myself as she does it! We have had some damned fine adventures.

Annie- another dog walking buddy who turned into a friend. She is fiercely protective of me. She makes me feel very loved. It is a funny feeling to be protected by someone who is so physically tiny in comparison- but I'll take it! She is also supremely rational and a great help as I try to figure things out.

Jen- a force unto herself. I don't see her very often but when I do we fall right back into the yakking. She makes me feel okay about being both a strong, competent woman and a total screw up. She also makes me laugh until I wet my pants. (I mention laughing a lot because I hold it in high regard. If you want to be my friend, make me laugh.) Jen sees the power in me.

Susan & Lynn- I have known these two since grade school. That kind of continuity is irreplaceable. I mention them together because we always get together as a team. We know each other so well that we all know how hard to push the other and when to back off. This relationship is pure affection.

Maria- a dog walking friend. She owns a vacation home a mile from my house and comes up every other weekend or so. She asked to join me one morning as I walked past her house and we haven't stopped yet! I don't often meet someone who has my taste for covering miles when I walk. And it is a total bonus that she likes to talk about good stuff! She is like an older sister and serves as a sounding board on relationships and business. We are both good at pointing out to the other our faulty thinking, ruts, and other pitfalls of life. I appreciate her constancy and good humor.

When I feel unsettled these are the women I turn to. I feel lucky to count them as friends and confidantes.

1-Abby, Reta, Sarah, Susan at the camp around 1989
2-Louise, Sarah, Reta getting ready for the sauna around 1984
3-Sarah, Annie and my lovely Lady around 2001

Body Image

My friend, Maria, was up for the week at her vacation home up the street from me. She is a dog walking buddy but the best part is that she is a talker too. We always have something to hash over or work out.

This time she rolled out the door and then rolled her eyes “Thank goodness they wanted to cancel the brunch plans this morning. I feel like we have been eating non-stop for days.” Christmas seems to be a time of excess for everyone. She then recounted her husband and son’s unspoken contest to eat the other under the table. Maria is a diabetic so she is very careful of her intake. She is also very slim.

“Ugh, I just feel so fat after all that eating. I can feel it in my cheeks. I really need this walk. I have to be careful. Food is poison. ”

“But you are so slim.”

“I wasn’t always. When I went away to college I got into the afternoon cookies and got up to 160 pounds. I was a pudge.”

She rolled her eyes again and laughed- “Body image!”

“Yeah who doesn’t have a negative body image?” And I shared my bout with anorexia as a young teen. “I don’t think I was controlling things so much as punishing myself for all my flaws- body included.”

She laughed again and said “what flaws?”

“Come on- look at me. What’s to like?”

“You are kidding, aren’t you?”

"Yeah, right. I'm kidding."

Yeah- right. It’s still a struggle.

That would be me in 3rd grade before I cared so much about my body.... but I did love the paisley dress my mother sewed for me. I am still partial to paisley.

Audience of One

I let out a sigh as I allow Henry to climb between the front seats of the car to be next to me. He will stick his nose under my arm and flip it up in an effort to get me to pat him. He puts his two front paws on my seat so he can get a better view out the window. He continues to flip my arm and let out an occasional whine despite the attention I am paying to him. In short, he is a pain in the ass.

I got my little mutt 3 years ago knowing that he had some issues. His separation anxiety was the biggie. After owning him a little while I recognized that he would take off on me if he smelled anything good- despite a disorder which makes him stick to my side. How do you reconcile the fact that a dog has separation anxiety AND will run away given the opportunity?

I finally reached the conclusion that Henry is my karmic come-uppance. My dog is me. I like the security of knowing there is someone there to catch me if I fall.... and fill my water bowl. If I catch the scent of something delicious I want to follow my nose. I want to hang my head out the car window because it feels good, but I want to glance over to see that someone is still there. And when I am feeling insecure I want to be able to curl up on a lap and be petted till everything is right again.

I keep this in mind as Henry demands my attention while I am trying to drive my car. For whatever reason he needs its- and I give it to him because I love him. And I treasure the feeling of his warm, fuzzy belly as I remember those times he would gladly run away.